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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.