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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.