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My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Please do not read this.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores