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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."