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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"