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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.