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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.