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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..