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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.