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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
French people give me the crepes.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?