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Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.