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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."