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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.