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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Plan B includes margaritas.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.