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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...