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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.