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FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.