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I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."