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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.