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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”