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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list