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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.