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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Iām sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.