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I just called. To say. I texted you.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"