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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.