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I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible