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96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?