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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
I fake my LOLs
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.