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Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.