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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!