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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Carfax but for people
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married