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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke