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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.