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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".