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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!