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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...