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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.