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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P