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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.