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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.