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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.