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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.