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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.