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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking