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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?