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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.