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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”