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Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.