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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.