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I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.