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I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
This status has been censored by Facebook
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?