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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss