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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.