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Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.