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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.