Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.