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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
Please do not read this.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?