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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.