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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.