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Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.