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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.