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Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.