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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.