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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?