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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.