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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
This status is mine....I licked it.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.