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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.