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Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.