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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels