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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
The older I get the better I used to be.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.