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Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking