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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
Anything is legal when there`s no police around