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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
The secret to success is in my bra.
High fiving was the original "like".
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.