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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....