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I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.