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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?