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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...