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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch