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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.