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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Will be drunk until further notice.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.