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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."