Daily Silly Status

I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom

so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.

Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago

I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".

Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.

Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...

I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.

Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!

Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m