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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.