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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.