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You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.