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I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I want to sleep tighter
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Home is where the alcohol is.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.